He Will Never Marry You: 3 Things I learned from a Failed Relationship

About 5 years ago my ex-boyfriend’s mother dropped a bomb on me that I will never forget. At the time I had never felt so much pain run over me so quickly, but that’s exactly how I was feeling. When I look back over the situation even though I was hurt by her words at the time, I am so thankful she sat me down and told me the truth. So, here’s the story, my ex was back in town to visit his family. We hung out, talked and chilled like always. One day I was at his house, talking to his sister when his mom sat down to join the conversation; like she usually does. But, that is when things took a turn, and I will never forget the words that followed:

“I love you and if this were my daughter I would want somebody to sit her down and tell her the same thing I’m about to tell you.  While I love my son, I know wrong is wrong and will not sit by and watch someone get hurt. MY SON WILL NEVER MARRY YOU (she was not yelling, but for the dramatic effect, we are going to use all caps). You need to move on with your life, get yourself together, and find someone who wants you. I love you and just want the best for you.”

I’m pretty sure she said more than that, but I had mental check out was just trying not to cry in front of her. When I tell you my heart sank, and a huge gap opened up in my soul. I was broken in a million pieces and couldn’t even understand where to begin to put the pieces back together. But, she was right. She was so right that her son was married several months later, and she didn’t even know about it.  Talk about a slap in the face. While I may have been heartbroken and in shambles, I am truly thankful that God put those words on her heart. I have learned so much from this situation and have never looked back. Even though it was mind-blowing, it was also world shifting. It changed my view on relationships, how I carried myself and helped me see how I was being naive to the truth. Today I will talk about the three biggest lessons I took from this situation. 

No Commitment 

I know we all hear this a lot, but the truth is the truth. Actions do speak louder than words and his actions never matched the words of love that he poured out and professed for me. While I knew he had love from me in his heart, his actions did not match.  We were on and off again for so long. There was never a commitment just a situationship that made its way into our lives. I ask myself how could I be so blind and naive. Well, I let the thought of love and a future with this person fool me. He was even in and out of several relationships during this time. Why did I keep going back? Simple, I was not accepting of the facts and the truth. You should never let anyone use your love as leverage to gain access in your life. When it failed the first time I should have never looked back, but I did. Don’t be like me and keep running back to dead situations, with unchanged behaviors. 

Never let anyone use your love as leverage to gain access in your life.

by: JNycoleh

If they are not speaking the same language as you when it comes to making a commitment do not think that if you support them long enough things will change. And, this was my mistake. I let my love for him overpower my logical thinking about the situation. Don’t let this be you. If you want a relationship, stop wasting your time with the person who isn’t ready and move on to someone who is. While I sometimes kick myself in the butt for staying in the situation longer than I should have, and some may see it as a waste of time. I see it as a learning experience, and my fuel to help others. 

If you are in a situationship and you are questioning if someone wants a commitment with you, lean in and listen to your intuition. It may be trying to get your attention. A person who wants to be with you will let it be known by their WORDS AND ACTIONS. They will take the time out to get to know you and commit to a relationship. Don’t let time pass you by, staying in situationships because they feel comfortable. 

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone

I can say for sure that we found comfort in each other, and it was easier to not face the facts and stay in our comfort zone of what we thought was love. But that should have never been the case. I should have seen where I was holding myself back and moved out of that comfort zone. We had known each other for so long, that we were holding on to the persons we had met so long ago, but we both really needed to grow. At that time I needed to learn to speak up for myself, get over childhood trauma and really discover who Jessica was. Which I have now done, I don’t think I would have done anything of these things if I would have stayed in the confront zone of this situation. 

Do not stay with anyone who is not giving you what you need just because it’s easier and you are in your confront zone. And I’m not talking about surface needs and wants like money, cars and shopping sprees.  I’m talking about someone who is not pouring into the relationship, genuinely getting to know you, spending time with you and pushing you to be your better self. You become your best when you push yourself beyond that comfort zone and that may mean moving on and not dating your type. I can say that I have changed so much as a person and I understand so much of myself because I am no longer living in certain comfort zones. So today I want you to look at the relationship and be realistic with yourself. Is it holding you back, are you stuck in a persona of who they think you are. Move out of your comfort zone and grow. 

Don’t Wait Too Long

It takes two people to make the decision to start a relationship. When I look back at the situation I was giving him all the power and say. If he wasn’t ready, I sat and waited. I supported and tried to stick it out. If it wasn’t for his mother I probably would have stayed way longer. Just hoping that the person that I considered the love of my life would pick me. She snapped me out of my dream and put me on the correct path. The decision to start a relationship should be in both of your hands. Yes, it is your choice to wait until someone is ready. The catch is you never know when ready will start. Don’t wait to have a conversation about what you want. Be vocal of wanting a relationship or whatever type of commitment you are looking for. Just don’t wait too long. Always start with want you want so you can make the decision if you are going to stay. “I’m just seeing how thing goes” is not the same as “I”m want to get to know someone and I hope it develops into a relationship.” No more falling for the okey doke. Yes, both of you have to be ready, but don’t allow yourself to fall in love with someone you know isn’t ready to love you back. 

Relationships are two-way streets. Some people get lucky and marry their high school or college sweetheart. Then there are others, like myself who have to learn to navigate the dating world. Preparing ourselves for our future husband or wife. If that is you, make sure you are getting the commitment you want and not settling for what someone is giving you. Also, heed to red flags. And remember, You should never let anyone use your love as leverage to gain access in your life. 

Until Next Time Happy Dating!!!