People-Pleaser:
A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
Hi my name is Jessica and I am a recovering people-pleaser. Yup that’s right I have struggled with people pleasing for most of my life. I was trying to please everyone. My family, friends, romantic partners, and at coworkers. Saying NO, when I needed to and not helping others has always been a struggle for me. I believe this issue stemmed from the being abandoned by biological mother. I wanted to be loved so bad and not rejected so I insisted on helping other and sometimes to my own detriment. I have seen that light and the error in my own ways. While I still love to help people and giving is my passion, I have also learned there is a time and place for that. I also learned how to give without hurting myself in the long run. Do I still struggle with people pleasing yes, sometimes it can be hard to say NO but I have come a long way and really took the time to set boundaries in my life.
Today we will be uncovering 3 signs of a people-pleaser and how to work on your own recovery journey.
You struggle to say NO
Whew Chile’ this is me and I am her. I use to struggle with saying no. I was going places I didn’t really want to go, Helping people when I really didn’t have the means and stretching myself thin. It would eat me up inside not to be able to help someone. One day I realized how tired I was, ripping and running for everyone else but didn’t have what I needed in life. I had to stop. I had to learn how to say NO. Do you find it tough to say no to people? Even those you may have done your wrong in the past? Saying No, is not a skill that all of us have naturally, but it is one that can be worked on and developed.
This week I want you to think of one task you MUST complete to make this a successful one. Then I want you to find a block of time to complete said task and schedule it on your calendar. If anyone ask you to do something during that time frame, I want you to say no, I’m not available. This will be hard, but I believe in you and I know you can do it. You must also say no to solving everyone else’s problems.
You feel like you need to solve everyone’s problem
We have to stop trying to save the world. My grandmother reminds me of this all the time. She says “Jessica you know you can’t save the world and you have to worry about yourself.” She is soooooo right. I can’t save the world and neither can you. Yes, we can be a help to our friends and family, but sometimes we have to let do it for themselves or let them reach out to someone else. We can’t do the work for everyone. In the long run we being more of a hindrance to them by always fixing their problem.
Instead learn to just be a cheerleader in situations. Yeah girl, I knew you could get your budget together. You can offer a means to fix their problem that doesn’t evolve you doing anything. Yes, this is the book that I read to help me or you should check this website out. Let them go to the information and try to figure it out on their own. We have learn how to be just a listening ear, but only if time permits. People aren’t always telling us their problems so we can run off a list of solutions to help them. We can’t worry ourselves with how people will feel when we can’t be superman.
You struggle with being disliked
Yes, in some ways we all want to be liked, but honestly being like by everyone is unrealistic. Let’s not worry ourselves on whether or not someone likes us. For people-pleasers that’s easier said than done. We want everyone to like us and we go above and behind to be liked. STOP IT SIS OR BRO. The truth is if they don’t like you, no amount of effort will change that. We have to learn how to be okay with not being is someone’s good graces, or having disagreement too.
So how do we overcome this? We practice this by taking out our journals and writing how we feel. Use a voice note so you can play it back to yourself. Listen to where the hurt is really coming from. We have to be truly honest about how this makes us feel. Sit in those feeling and find out why you seek to be liked. Gain that understanding and move on. Also, don’t go back and try to win that person over. If they are not being understanding of you and your feeling move one. This may be one of the hardest to work through, but it’s the most valuable.
It is a beautiful thing to genuinely want to help and give to people. The issue comes in when we are doing these things for some type of fulfillment or replacement to heal from past hurt. People-Pleasing can be dangerous to our lives. It can cause us to miss out because we are so focused on others. Let’s move past people-pleasing and being the journey of true fulfillment in our lives.
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