Motherless Mother’s Day: How to Survive the day without your Mom

As Mother’s day rolls around the reminder of my mother abandoning me when I was young, our now strained relationship and other childhood trauma that I faced with a mother figure in my life comes to the for front of my mind. This is where my first and second unrequited love stories began, but not all hope is lost. Even though my mind is consumed with questions, and feeling of hurt, pain, and sadness, I know that I have my survival kit close by to help me through.Today I want to give you my 3 tips on how I survive the mother day season.Before I start let me state this one fact. Sadness and Happiness can live in the same space. Just because you are grieving, or trying to move through this pain that doesn’t mean that you are not grateful for the women who have stepped up in your life. Please don’t let anyone else convenience you other wise.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

It is okay for you to be upset, hurt, and sad on mother’s day. I understand that this is a day of joy and celebration, but you cannot genuinely celebrate the other women in your life when are not being genuine to yourself. For me it seemed like mother’s day would just intensify the hurt I felt daily. I was just a ball of rage and sadness, walking around taking it out on everyone I came in contact with.
See when you ignore your feelings it’s harder to deal with or move pass any pain you may feel. You cannot get help with something you aren’t willing to acknowledge. I don’t think I have ever said to my family, “I’m sad and hurt that my mother abandoned me.” or express myself in any way for them to understand the hurt I was dealing with. I was just trying to act like those feelings didn’t exist. I know I wasn’t doing a great job because I wear all my emotion on my face and your are probably doing the same thing. Please don’t be like the old me. Acknowledge your feelings of hurt and pain, so you can begin the healing process.
This doesn’t have to be an open acknowledgment to the world. I’m not asking you to have super deep conversations with family or friends but I am asking you to say to yourself. Hey, I’m hurt because (Fill in the blank).

2. Schedule time to deal with your feelings

So, this year we are going to be honest and acknowledging our feeling. So what now? We have to take the time to process and deal with those feelings. Since we know when Mother’s day comes around, we need to schedule the time and create the space for a grieving process. I have listed six ways you can work through your feeling. I love using all six, sometimes it’s on different days, or I may use them all together. Find what works for you.
Ways to process your feelings:

1. Create a safe environment for yourself- This the most important one. Make sure you are creating a safe environment for yourself and your emotions. It’s nothing like going through something and someone is trying to make you feel bad about your feelings. Set that boundary and make a safe space for yourself.
2. Spend quiet time alone- allow yourself to think freely and process your feelings. I usually spend quite time alone the day or hours before I know I have be celebrate with family or friends. This not only gives me time to process my feelings, but I also have adequate time to put myself back together. 
3. Journal- sometimes it’s easier to express yourself in words. Journal daily during the week leading up to Mother’s day. This helps your track your emotions, see your progress and pinpoint exact triggers.  
4. Schedule a Therapy session– Therapy can be your best friend. I find that having a safe place to vent and talking to someone who isn’t biased to my situation helps a lot. Try a therapy session during that week or after mother’s day has passed. Therapist are also great at giving another coping mechanism.
5. Take the time to cry – some say crying is the pain leaving your body. I always feel a little relief after a hard cry. So grab your tissues and do you boo.
6. Schedule your favorite activity– after your process your feeling, take time out to do something that makes you happy. It could be working out, making breakfast, reading a book, booking a spa appointment. Being trigger and dealing with your pain for some can feel like reliving the situation all over again. So make sure you find a way to bring happiness and sunshine in your life.

3. Practice patience

I beg of you please be patient with yourself. Dealing with this type of pain and trauma is not an overnight fix. I am 33 and still struggle daily. Some days are better than others but don’t make things harder by being harder on yourself. This is a time where you need to be showing yourself the most love, and surrounding yourself with people who would do the same. I was terrible during mother’s day as a teen and things shifted a little when I went to college. But I know true change occurred in my life when I was in my late 20’s. You have to give your time to understand your pain. Then you have to find the right coping mechanism to create true healing. You also have to be honest with yourself and know that at any time in life you can be triggered after years of healing. It happens to all of us, you are not alone in this journey.

While Mother’s day may be a struggle, I hope that this blog helps you take the first step on your healing journey. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Let’s acknowledge, process, and work on healing the things that hurt so we can enjoy the things that bring us joy.

No matter which way the wind blows, I hope you have an amazing day.